BOOMER ZONE

Part 7 - Gunning for Gold

And the athletes become clearly visible now as they speed down the home straight. The assembled crowd of Scots are going absolutely haywire as they see their loved ones and idols marching for the finishing line and the 3 million yen prize! The current front runners are momentarily arm by arm in the closing stages of the Glasgow Marathon. Looking at their numbers, I can reveal that the one to your left goes by the name of Iain Stewart and his assailant is none other than Billy Connelly! With a final burst of speed and guts, it appears...no, it's definate! The race has been won by the cheeky little fox Iain! It appears the Big Yin isn't happy about this at all...

"Who is this 'Iain'?" asked Samface, puzzled.

"He's also known as Sin Scorpion," replied Madhair, in the know.

"No he's not!" interrupted one Sin Scorpion. "That's Retrogamer, can't you tell by the scraggy jacket and the Asda headband?"

"Retro doesn't look sexy at all when he's sweating," chuckled Madhair.

Midday, early Spring, and the sun beat down so hard on the working Boomers that it would have been fairer to swim in a pool of molten rock. Usually rapid-working prisoners who wanted to end their shift as soon as possible were degraded to sweating bags of fur. Boomers that usually looked like sweating bags of fur were dead. Usually, this would make the mods happy, but the fans were broken and air-conditioning was out of the question. So Madhair sat panting in a deckchair, unaware of Omnion and the newly re-instated Blizzard stealing his wallet. Through the haze of the midday heat, Madhair found himself watching a dispaiting sight. Among all the sluggish behaviour and pathetic cries for mercy, was a hedgehog speedily carrying out his chores, oblivious to the blinding temperatures and falling bodies. With spiked hair and a random helmet to boost, Turbocharge considered himself the speediest in the land. With dashingly good looks, rapid-fire feet and a rather charming personality, he was everything Madhair was not, whether he chose to believe it or not. Although practically passing out, Madhair summoned the strength to pick himself up (minus the weight of the wallet) and staggered over to where Turbocharge may appear in the next minute or two.

"Turbocharge, member #135, Mike Corker challenges you to a race," lied Madhair.

"No, no, no!" sighed Mike, warbling over to the pair, donned in a FanBoy - the ultimate cooling suit. "You HAVE to stop telling these lies, Stu, or I'll kick you in the gonads again!"

"Listen, pallies, is this gonna take all day cos I've had a HELL of a lot of wood to shift and you lardasses won't help!" rasped Turbocharge.

"Your name suggests the slothenly velocity of a slug and Ed'd beat you in a fight anyday!" taunted Madhair.

"You really are challenging me to a race, banana boy! Then it's settled!"

By now, an extremely large crowd had stumbled and tripped into a large crescent around the shouting pair.

"Tell you what guys!" perked up Mike. "The London Marathon's in a couple of days! You can compete there! That goes for all of you!" he cheered, spinning to face the other Boomers.

"He...he's letting us free on a temporary basis which involves mandatory transport and the ability to contract and relax our muscles?" babbled Mambocat.

SuperJake fainted.

You join the BBC at the opening of our coverage of the Flora London Marathon. This year promises more wacky costumes, new life-changing experiences and a gripping finale.

Down on the start line, the Boomers were getting into the spirit of the Fun Run.

"Wark!" yelled Jamie J, dressed as a giant yellow Chocobo.

"You don't half look stupid!" bawled Hysteria with laughter, dressed as a cactus.

"Now remember, Hyperdude, if you feel like you have flatulence, hold it in till the end," said the tail of a peculiarly long snake.

"But, Kintobor, I need to now!" replied the middle.

"Enough of this negative talk! Kaiba knows the escape plan, right?"

"SPAM!" yelled the head of the snake.

Among the other entrants rolled up Zerolus in a ball oddly resembling Samus, Dave dressed as Raiden, unfortunately back-to-front and Ronson in his specially-made birthday suit!

"You don't really think this will work do you?" asked Mike, edgily.

"Course it will!" reassured Ed. "We just drop this net onto the start line and catch us some new Boomers!

"And the starter's gun has been fired! The 2005 London Marathon is away!"

2 hours into the race and a small group of runners had pulled out from the rest. Unfortunately for the innocemts among them, Madhair and Turbocharge were part of the pack. Sensing that Turbo was beginning to pull away from him, the senses of evil filled the forefront of Madhair's mind and he wanted to WIN! So from his backpack which surely wasn't there one moment ago, he pulled his prized cattle prod into the world. With three quick stabbing motions, Turbocharge lay wincing on the concrete road. Looking to his right, Madhair realised he still wasn't alone.

"Hey there, guv'nor! Long time no see! The name's Lewis Jet Roy Grosvenor but they call me LJRG for obvious reasons. Don't you think that's such a crud name? Yeah? YEAH! Anyways, you met me once, remember? Course you do! I was sitting on the pavement and you said: "HEY HOBO! You're damned well attractive!" 'Well' I thought to myself, I'll never forget that guy. And I never did. Here I am todayyyyy! I think we're gonna get along great, huh, huh? What's your.....?"

Mr LJRG was suddenly and tragically cut down in a pool of blood after some totally unrelated gunfire. In the crowd, Jim was there to tap the attacker 'lightly' on the shoulder with his cattle prod.

"What, you don't suspect ME of shooting him do you? DO YOU!?" snarled RSM, hiding his M4.

But Madhair was still running strong, faster than Hyperdude's wind. But he wasn't going to stop. He may have beaten Turbocharge but he had a new urge. An urge to WIN! However, that urge was soon quashed as he found himself running upside down inside a giant stone loop. Funnily enough, it wasn't often that someone found themselves upside down inside a giant stone loop on Tower Bridge, but that was exactly Madhair's problem. What probably made it worse was that upon reaching the other side, he was facing a sign saying "Many welcomes to the Green Hill Zone". Now Madhair had lied about a lot of things but his eyes were not decieving him now. Lush green fields, pretty flowers, randomly coloured hills and giant flashing posts. The mods had studied this place and studied it well, yet no-one had ever visited. So it clearly came as a surprise to Madhair when a gaseous image of a black and red hedgehog appeared in the sky, known only as 'Shadow'.

"Might you be the one they call Madhair?" asked the image.

"No." came the reply.

"That's a shame, short man, as I'd much like to talk to him about the ways of this world."
"He doesn't want to know, angst-in-your-pants!"

"That's the worst insult I've ever heard!" cringed Shadow. "Even worse than "Gun fishing"! I have no further use for someone of your immense wit here. Consider yourself banished!"

And banished he was. Banished to the floor of the Mall as several runners trampled him into the ground as they raced for the finishing line.

And the athletes become clearly visible now as they speed down the home straight. The assembled crowd of Knaves are going absolutely haywire as they see their loved ones and idols marching for the finishing line and the 3 million lira prize! The current front runners are momentarily arm by arm in the closing stages of the London Marathon. Looking at their numbers, I can reveal that the one to your left goes by the name of Iain Stewart and his assailant is none other than Ken Dodd! With a final burst of speed and guts, it appears...no, it's definate! The race has been won by the cheeky little fox, Iain! It appears the Feather Duster isn't happy about this at all...

Madhair switched off the TV, sulking. That could have have been him. Alongside, Mike and Ed had been searching the recording for signs of Madhair's transportation.

"It's possible that this was all in Stu's head, you know," offered Mike.

"That's true, but I've heard others with similar experiences, all meeting this 'Shadow'," sighed Ed. For now, we'd better keep Madhair locked up in the Other Zone, so that no-one may interfere with his childish mind again."

"Fair enough. Go on then, Stu, take with you whatever you want." agreed Mike.

Madhair grinned cheekily and pointed to the Boomer register....