Chronic Relief

"What the hell are you doing dressed like that, scum?

Harry didn't abide by social rules that forced him to wear "the hippest new jeans!" or "super-cooool trainers!". Today, Harry was decked head to toe in a suit. Yes, a fully fledged tuxedo, complete with a handkerchief in his front pocket and some extremely smooth shades. Strolling down the street, it didn't surprise him to hear the occasional chav shouting random insults and throwing token glass projectiles. In fact, he didn't mind this any day of the week. "Jealous," he'd think to himself.

Red Nose Day only came around every two years. In a particularly dire school life, Comic Relief was the only opportunity to really let yourself go and do something wild. Ok, so there was the nutcase dressed in drag, plus the sexually disturbed one dressed as a nun, but when Harry mooched into the common room, the sight couldn't have pleased him more. No, it wasn't that 6 females had decided to come to school naked for a change, nor was it that a crate of free metal CDs had been left just for him, but it was the appearance of 9 other gentleman, dressed just as smartly and enjoying a lovely game of Poker (not gambling, of course).

"Ah! Welcome to the lounge, my good fellow, Harry," snoffed Matthew, dressed in a pinstripe suit and oddly attractive pink tie. "Care to join us for a jolly old game?"
"Why, that would be a splendid idea!" joked Harry, as he took the rucksack from his shoulders.
"There's something not right about you, you're not complete," shrugged Nick over by the game, wearing his suit back to front for kicks.
"Aha, but I know!" Harry delved into the pocket with the handkerchief and pulled out a small red sphere with straggly lace protruding from the top, placing it carefully on the tip of his nose. "Now?"
"Now you're in the spirit!" They all laughed heartily and sipped on hot chocolate like gentleman in an exotic club, only completely different.

Being Friday and all, the year group still had to undergo a formal meeting in the morning. Being careful, so not to to crease their neatly-ironed jackets or trousers, Harry, Matthew, Nick and the other 7 smart lads lifted the tails of their coats and parched on the floor. A good 5 minutes had passed before the teacher in charge glanced and noticed the suited brigade.
"Well, it seems that SOME people have made an effort to raise money for Comic Relief!" she said sharply, glaring over at the chavs, sporting their usually-banned jeans and oversized, "gold" chains. In turn, they glared at the suits, jealousy overriding their fragile brains, wishing that the attention had been handed to them rather than those "swots" over there.

"Shall we participate in a gentle stroll through the corridors?" asked Christopher merrily, wearing his father's old, grey jacket, looking decididly like a dodgy car salesman, minus the brown, leather patches.
"I'm awfully sorry, chap, but we have studies that have us booked until the lunch hour. It's frightful!" They all chuckled again as Stu and Harry turned to leave for an exam.
"'Ere! What the 'ell da ya think ya doin' wearing those, pretty boys?"
The men in suits whirled around, ties flailing in the motion and faced a truly blinding sight. The sunlight from the overhanging windows in the wall had shone onto the chavs' gold-painted accessories and dazzled the young men's sharp eyes.
"Eh eh, little geeks can't afford to look at our bling! LOL!" snarfed the chav in front.
"Hmm, I do feel these rebels need to get "in the spirit" as well, don't you men?" asked Matthew, mainly to himself.

Simultaneously, the suited savages thrust their right hands into their trouser pockets and whipped very similar red spheres. Some had stickers donned across their faces, other had bits of "hair" missing, but, held aloft, they all had the same intent. They were going to be thrown.
"I do believe you'll be needing this!" yelled Stu, throwing a Red Nose with gelled hair towards the leading chav. Hair first, the nose flew into his eye and caused them to bleed. He fell to the floor with the lack of vision.
"So go back to your residency with a little more cheer!" called Fran, throwing his two Red Noses and clouting two enemies at the same time.
"Didn't you know? Red is the new gold!" laughed Harry, slinging a nose covered in face paint, consequently smearing a chav's "expensive" skating shoes with a nasty red substance.
"Heh, you've got red on you!" chuckled Trueman, firing a Red Nose out of his cornet with utmost pressure, knocking a townie out cold.
"This is us happy, you'd hate to see us mad!" shouted Andy, throwing another nose, just to see it explode on contact and fill the chav's face with water.
"It's about time you.....!" Nick, the one with the backwards suit called, before throwing his nose the wrong ay.
"At least some parents have something to be proud of!" growled Scott, kicking a stray Red Nose into someone's face before knocking them over with his own.
"So you won't join us for a coffee?" quipped Chris the car salesman, lobbing a nose under his legs to their surprise.
"Nah, I think they've been BOWLED over," replied Matthew, with obvious consequences.
"RAGH!" screamed Alex, as even she felt the need to topple the last remaining target.

And the 10 heroes stood on as moaning and whining came from the heap of soggy, bruised, painted chavs in the middle of the corridor.
"Poker, anyone?" asked Chris, straightenig his jacket and adjusting his tie.
So the majority of the suits returned to their game, taking care to trample on chav ears and the like, heartily laughing all the time.

(No proceeds from this story went to Comic Relief).

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